Table Etiquette: Seating your guests

The Holiday season is almost here, and while it is not here yet, you are probably planning and running through your mind what you will be doing this year.
Are you hosting a festive dinner this year? Are you attending one?
In the U.S.A., we celebrate Thanksgiving on the last Thursday of November. A very traditional holiday, Thanksgiving tends to bring family and even close friends together. Homes are filled with delicious home-cooking smells from the kitchen, where turkey, pumpkin pie, stuffing, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes etc are enthusiastically prepared for Thanksgiving Dinner.
(In my family, we add to this white rice, black beans, yucca and sweet plantains, but that is a whole different story. Needless to say, we barely have any space on the the table for all the delicious food: a Cuban-Brazilian influenced Thanksgiving! Very yummy, indeed!)

Let's say you are hosting a Holiday Dinner this year. You already know who is attending, and you have a nice mix of friends, family and different age groups. You have a total of 12 people, including yourself.

Decorate your table as you wish, prepare all the delicious food you decided for your menu, and think of how your guests will be seated.
Here is an important reason for that:

The flow of conversation needs to be kept up in order to allow for a pleasant, unforgettable and entertaining dinner.

You want to seat your guests strategically. In this case, let's say you are hosting a rather casual dinner, you don't need to have a "guest of honour" in mind. If you do, though, the "guest of honour" will be seated to your right. The person 2nd in rank, let's say the "guest of honour's" spouse, will be seated to your left.

That's right. There is NO need to seat married couples side by side. In fact, it is desirable NOT to seat them side by side. One reason being, it is assumed that married couples engage in daily conversations anyway, so that it is much more strategic to seat people, who don't have this chance, side by side and across from each other.

Engaged couples, however, protocol dictates, should be seated side by side.

Think of the strong communicators of the group and spread them out. Don't have your quiet guests grouped on one side of the table and your chit-chatters all together on the other one.

You may choose if you, as the host, want to sit at one of the table's ends or right in the middle. Once you pick your spot, prior to dinner (name cards are a nice touch and guide your guests to their seats, easily! I strongly encourage their use!), take some time to think where your guests will sit.

• Split up married couples
• Follow the lady-gentleman-lady order, allowing for different genders to interact
• Split up the talkers and the listeners to allow for better communication flow
• Keep engaged couples sitting side by side

Etiquette, in my opinion, should not be regarded as a set "book of rules". You need to adapt. Here's when you adapt to situations by adapting the rules:

• Keep in mind guests who may not be proficient in the main language spoken that evening
• Keep in mind guests who "need" to sit together like a child and its mother, an older couple or someone who needs assistance while dining
• Keep in mind a very special request from your guest: "Can I please sit next to her?"

Designing a seating chart may take time and may sometimes be looked at as almost a science! Think of all the variables you need to consider, correct?

But keep in mind always, you want to allow your guests to feel comfortable, engaged in nice conversation, happy and glad they attended your event. Make it memorable for them.

In a next post, I will comment on choosing the right people for the right event. Not always do we have the chance to choose just certain people who will really "add to the mix". Sometimes, we can't. However, sometimes we can. We'll talk about this next time.

Brushing up on Gift Giving Etiquette!

July - What an eventful and quite busy Summer month!

Let's talk about Gift Giving and Receiving!

Most people will say openly that giving evokes far better and more fulfilling feelings than receiving. For most, I believe this can actually be true. On the other hand, let's all be very honest with ourselves and admit that receiving gifts is also very, very nice! It makes us feel special, and most of us think so!

To be remembered by someone for a special occasion in our life is unforgettable. No matter the size of the gift, whether it's a handwritten card, flowers, a very expensive electronic device or delicious chocolates. Whether it's your favorite perfume, the last season of your favorite TV Drama or an inspirational book, when we receive and give a gift, 4 things are happening:

1. The person giving the gift to you is communicating to you how important you are to her/him.
2. The person giving the gift to you is silently saying "I invested time (and money) to get you something that I believe will bring you value and make you happy."
3. The person giving the gift to you is anxiously awaiting your reaction to the gift.
4. The receiver of the gift is accepting this material thing that is celebrating a friendship, an accomplishment or another important event and is agreeing that this exchange represents the caring coming from the gift giver.
5. The person receiving the gift feels special and cared for that the gift giver took time (and money) to spend it on you.
6. The receiver of the gift expresses a true or untrue opinion about the gift "Wow, I love it! Thanks!"

I strongly believe gifts can have the power of positively or negatively influencing a relationship.

The GIFT GIVER's Duties:

When choosing a gift, remember how the person dresses, what his/her daily life is like, where they work, and what people they are usually surrounded with or places they travelled to.

Choose a gift by recalling what the person likes to talk about. Is he a golfer or Sports fanatic? Is she into Politics and writing? Maybe he is a Musician and appreciates music from other countries. This is why it is also so important to LISTEN to people well when they tell you stories and share opinions. You learn a lot about their likes and dislikes.

Never, and I will repeat it again (I already even mentioned that in a previous post), ask the gift receiver "Do you like it? Oh, I think you don't like it...You can exchange it if you want to!.." You should NEVER have to ask and say that. You should offer to exchange the gift yourself if you bought the gift receiver a t-shirt, for example, that is a wrong size. Apologize and offer to exchange it yourself!

Avoid giving a gift card, unless the gift receiver has actually expressed his/her liking of gift cards. Gift cards may be interpreted as "Here is something for you. I didn't really have time to look for something for you, but with this card you can buy whatever you want." So, basically, you didn't give a gift. You paid for something the gift receiver chose.

The GIFT RECEIVER's Duties:

Immediately THANK the gift giver for the gift, WHETHER OR NOT you truly like it! I am sorry to say, but it would be the rudest thing to say "Oh, what the heck is that? I'm sorry, I don't even know what to do with this!!.." No comments.

Write a Thank You card (yes!) to the Gift Giver thanking him/her for the gift. You may want to write something like: "Dear Cathy, thank you so much for thinking about me on my special day! I love the new "Cool Blues" CD you gave me. I take it in my car with me, and my ride to work is much more enjoyable! Thank you! Cordially, your Cousin Laurie". Write a Thank You card when the gift giver is present giving you the gift and also when the gift giver is not present when you receive the gift.

Nowadays, with e-mail and text-messaging, personal phone calls are becoming rare, unfortunately. People claim not to have time. Personal phone calls are becoming special! So, give your gift giver a call to thank them for the gift in case you will be going out of town and will have not time for Thank You cards. I will insist that Thank You cards are the preferred option, and avoid e-mails or (even worse) text messaging. But, yes, I know we've all been in a situation where we find it too convenient not to e-mail or text messaging. Just keep in mind: Thank You cards are the best option. Avoid the rest. Be a class act!

Please, never re-gift the gift you received. In my opinion, this is a big No-No. Some people will tell you it is OK to do if you are very careful, but don't you feel bad abut it? I would! You can find good use for a gift that is, let's say, not really of your taste 100%. Just be creative!

Keep track of who gave you which gift, and if you are hosting a large event where many gifts are presented, designate a family member or good friend who is willing to help you create a list. It will come in VERY handy when you write your Thank You cards!

A month or two have passed since you received all your beautiful gifts and you STILL did not find any time to write your Thank You cards? Do it now! In my honest opinion, it is NOT too late. Again, be creative. Surprise the gift giver and write something like "Dear Eric, You will not believe how much I enjoyed using the backpack you gave me for my Birthday, on my camping trip this weekend! It is so useful, and it didn't leave my side. Thank you for this thoughtful gift that made all the difference and that I will put to great use in all my upcoming camping trips! Yours, Louise."

VERY IMPORTANT:

Note that some people prefer not to receive gifts. Or, to explain it better, gift giving and receiving may not truly be part of their culture. You should respect this, and not expect the person to jump up and down when you offer them your gift. In this case, keep it very simple. The last thing you want is to overwhelm the gift receiver. You may want to invite the person out to drinks or to lunch and dinner, instead of giving them a gift. You may want to call them on their Birthday or Graduation day, or other event and sincerely congratulate them, expressing kindness and happiness. Another great idea is to donate money to a charity this person strongly supports! This might be all they want. KNOW your gift receiver. This is key to a successful interpersonal exchange!

Gift giving "corporate style"

Gift giving is an art. The main goal behing the act of giving someone a gift is to make the other person feel special. It takes a few steps to achieve this goal and affect the other person on an emotional level. Visually, we are naturally attracted to beautiful things (hint: nice gift wrap). Emotionally, we enjoy personalized things (hint: a handwritten card, a frame with a real picture of both of you). Practically, we like things that will add value to our lives (hint: something we can use!).

You can imagine how I was silently in shock when I once received a gift from a person about a year later after I had given that person that exact gift. Basically, she gave me back my gift!

If you take time to choose a gift, it will show. Also, know at least a few things about the person's likes and dislikes. When handing a gift to someone, never, and I repeat, never comment in a way that will make the other person uncomfortable. This includes saying "Do you like it? Oh, I don't think you like it... You can exchange it! ....Yeah, I don't think she liked it..". This is one of the worst things someone can do when giving a gift.

In the corporate world, gift giving is common, yet sometimes misunderstood. Remember to keep it professional. You may want to buy something that can be actually used in the office/business environment. Depending on what the person does or where she/he works, you may also want to keep it more conservative, or less.

Whether you have a large or small budget, creativity is key.
I have a few personal favorites, for $ and $$$ that I would like to share with you:

• For the Sweet Tooth: delicious Champagne Truffels from Teuscher (Switzerland)
• For the tea Lover: the blooming teapot, tea for one and blooming green tea from TupperLiving (Tupperware)
• For the coffee Lover: a magnificent Nespresso machine
• To complement someone's Stationary: Fine greeting cards with the person's initial(s) - don't forget the envelopes!
• To add a bit more elegance to someone's Stationary: a classic Lamy fountain pen
• For news and magazine Lovers: a subscription to a nice magazine ("Pink", for business ladies, "Portfolio", for both business men and women)
• For the Mom who is also your Coworker: a subscription to "Working Mother" magazine (great!)
• Car TLC: In addition to a gas card (minimum US$25,-), arrange for the person's car to be cleaned inside and out, and if you want to impress even more, arrange for it to be detailed!
• To add a bit of Fun and Laughter: The Hallmark "Hoops&Yoyo" collection has a great variety of fun (and funny!) gifts (to be given to someone you know a bit more)
• To add Motivation: there are great motivational and inspirational cards, posters, frames, even coffee mugs and agendas/calendars. Check out AllPosters.com!

Gifts to avoid:
- Perfume or cologne
- Pets of any kind
- Clothes, especially undergarments
- Shoes
- Jewelry
- BIG things, like a funny 2 gallon coffee mug (?..), a 1yard long pencil or a 20 pounds chocolate bar

To succeed in the art of gift giving, take your time, find out a bit more about the person, be creative, make it pretty, personalize it and be sincere, always!

Kindness is a wonderful thing. Use it wisely!

If I could only remember his name!...

Please know, it is quite common for us to easily forget a person's name, especially if we are meeting many new people at a party, networking event, social gathering or even before a large business meeting. Oftentimes, we feel embarassed to have forgotten someone's name. This may even lead some of us to avoid interacting with the new person we just met, simply because we feel uncomfortable asking for their name again. Morever, the situation may become slightly tighter if the "new person" remembers OUR name...

To ease your pain and help you cross that rough path, there are various methods that help you develop a mindset and capacity to easliy remember names.

One technique that I use and teach my clients is a technique that I developed over time, after reading and trying out many methods. It is called "L-CAR":

LOOK: Look the person in the eyes. Look for specific facial traits. Look at the person's eye color.

CLICK: Take a mental picture of the person's face. Tell yoursefl "click" and tell yourself you want to memorize this face.

ASSOCIATE: Think fast, and mentally associate the new person and her/his name with someone or something that immediately reminds you of him/her. Example: I meet Kate. Kate has a cute nose like my sister's. I will associate Kate with my sister and will place them side by side in my mind.

REPEAT: One of the most important steps: Continuously repeat the person's name during the introduction and short conversation you start with the person. Example: It is a pleasure meeting you, Kate! If you don't mind, I would like to introduce to you my friend John. It is so interesting that both of you come from the same small town, Kate! In a few seconds, you have used her name twice. Now, when introducing John and Kate, you will use it again, and will have more chances of using it immediately after. Repetition and eye contact really will emphasize the mental picture you took and the association you made.

I hope you take the "L-CAR" with you on your business and social gatherings, trips and outings!

Have a wonderful weekend!
Denise

IFFY Situations - Part I

I received a comment/question about how to best handle spills when you are eating out. The question was specifically directed to eating suhi or sashimi, and the situation was described as follows:
You are having lunch or dinner with colleagues and maybe with your boss as well. You are using your japanese chopsticks, and when you are ready to eat your sashimi bite, it slips from the chopsticks, lands into your small dish of soy sauce and creates a splashing sensation where soy sauce is everywhere to find except inside the small sauce dish. Your clothes are stained, and hopefully your white blouse is the only one affected. This was the scenario given in the post.

So, what do you do?

There are a few important things to KNOW, no matter how bad the situation seems to be:

• While you are now the center of all attention, you don't want to further nurture this.
• This means, take care of the situation fast and be calm about it at all times.
• While you are uncomfortable, others may be too. You don't want to spread it further either. So, don't excuse yourself 10 times or tell the story over and over again once you're back at the office.
• Try to involve the least amount of people possible. You and the waiter will suffice.
• It is NOT the end of the world. It can happen to anyone. Calm down. You will survive.

You may want to use your napkin to help clean as much as possible, at the same time, signaling to the waiter to come. Ask the waiter for a new napkin, and expect the waiter to clean up your area (wipe it, replace plates, bowls etc). There is no need to announce "Oh, my goodness, I'm so clumsy! I'm sorry, everybody! Oh, my! Did I get it on you too? This is horrible!!". There is no need to say any of that. Excuse yourself from the table once and clean up a bit more in the restroom (make it quick). Come back to your clean seat, put on your jacket if you have one (by the way, your jacket should be on regardless), and continue with lunch/dinner as if nothing happened. There is no need to dwell on it and comment on what a horrific spilling you created. For the others accompanying you, nobody has to ask "Are you ok?" or "Did you get it all off?". The best way is to forget about it and keep on with lunch/dinner.

For the future, analyze the situation before you are even part of it:

• Order "easy food" when eating out with colleagues and managers, especially if you are not 100% familiar with the food and/or utensils.
• Dress for the occasion so that you are prepared. Avoid wearing light colors that can easily show stains or dirt.
• If you have a history of "spilling", be prepared and, yes, have a perfectly ironed shirt/blouse or another jacket at work or in your car.
• If it happens to a colleague, don't comment on it or ask questions like "Can I help?" and "Oh, here, take my napkin too!" (big no-no!). The person wants everybody to forget about it as soon as possible!

Bon apetit!

Napkin Etiquette

Napkins belong on your lap. They do not belong tucked into your shirt (never, ever!), no matter how much you want to protect it from spills (simply order something that is easy to eat). Napkins do not belong tucked into your pants or skirt either. They don't need to be secured like that.

You may place your napkin on your lap as soon as you sit down at the table. If you are attending a business lunch, look for hints given out by the "leader" (the host of the lunch, or the client, or your manager), and you may follow his/her actions. However, it is expected that a napkin is already on your lap before bread, or the first course is served.

What do you do if you need to briefly leave the table? Where will you place your napkin? I want to hear it from you. Plase take the poll on the right, and let's see what you believe is appropriate!

When you are hosting a dinner party:
Beware of creating fancy napkin folds. At least make sure your hands are very clean, because fancy napkin folds require you to touch the napkins many, many times, and keep in mind that someone else will be using that napkin later on. Sometimes, the simple fold is just the best.

Instead of using all of your napkin, try to keep it clean and use an area around the same spot. This will increase your chances of you staying clean as well.

Don't wipe your face with your napkin, but lightly press it around your mouth area to dab what needs to be dabbed. Your napkin may hold some unwanted piece of food, but remember to be very discreet when placing it inside the napkin!

Avoid placing your used napkin on your dirty plate. There is no need for that. Additionally, it does not leave a good impression on other diners who are with you.

There is much more to napkin etiquette, but I hope you enjoy the brief "tutorial"! Now, have you participate in the poll already?