Table Etiquette: Seating your guests

The Holiday season is almost here, and while it is not here yet, you are probably planning and running through your mind what you will be doing this year.
Are you hosting a festive dinner this year? Are you attending one?
In the U.S.A., we celebrate Thanksgiving on the last Thursday of November. A very traditional holiday, Thanksgiving tends to bring family and even close friends together. Homes are filled with delicious home-cooking smells from the kitchen, where turkey, pumpkin pie, stuffing, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes etc are enthusiastically prepared for Thanksgiving Dinner.
(In my family, we add to this white rice, black beans, yucca and sweet plantains, but that is a whole different story. Needless to say, we barely have any space on the the table for all the delicious food: a Cuban-Brazilian influenced Thanksgiving! Very yummy, indeed!)

Let's say you are hosting a Holiday Dinner this year. You already know who is attending, and you have a nice mix of friends, family and different age groups. You have a total of 12 people, including yourself.

Decorate your table as you wish, prepare all the delicious food you decided for your menu, and think of how your guests will be seated.
Here is an important reason for that:

The flow of conversation needs to be kept up in order to allow for a pleasant, unforgettable and entertaining dinner.

You want to seat your guests strategically. In this case, let's say you are hosting a rather casual dinner, you don't need to have a "guest of honour" in mind. If you do, though, the "guest of honour" will be seated to your right. The person 2nd in rank, let's say the "guest of honour's" spouse, will be seated to your left.

That's right. There is NO need to seat married couples side by side. In fact, it is desirable NOT to seat them side by side. One reason being, it is assumed that married couples engage in daily conversations anyway, so that it is much more strategic to seat people, who don't have this chance, side by side and across from each other.

Engaged couples, however, protocol dictates, should be seated side by side.

Think of the strong communicators of the group and spread them out. Don't have your quiet guests grouped on one side of the table and your chit-chatters all together on the other one.

You may choose if you, as the host, want to sit at one of the table's ends or right in the middle. Once you pick your spot, prior to dinner (name cards are a nice touch and guide your guests to their seats, easily! I strongly encourage their use!), take some time to think where your guests will sit.

• Split up married couples
• Follow the lady-gentleman-lady order, allowing for different genders to interact
• Split up the talkers and the listeners to allow for better communication flow
• Keep engaged couples sitting side by side

Etiquette, in my opinion, should not be regarded as a set "book of rules". You need to adapt. Here's when you adapt to situations by adapting the rules:

• Keep in mind guests who may not be proficient in the main language spoken that evening
• Keep in mind guests who "need" to sit together like a child and its mother, an older couple or someone who needs assistance while dining
• Keep in mind a very special request from your guest: "Can I please sit next to her?"

Designing a seating chart may take time and may sometimes be looked at as almost a science! Think of all the variables you need to consider, correct?

But keep in mind always, you want to allow your guests to feel comfortable, engaged in nice conversation, happy and glad they attended your event. Make it memorable for them.

In a next post, I will comment on choosing the right people for the right event. Not always do we have the chance to choose just certain people who will really "add to the mix". Sometimes, we can't. However, sometimes we can. We'll talk about this next time.

Do YOU do THIS? Please, don't!

A short post to remind you NOT to do these following things, EVER:

While talking to someone, DON'T text message or check e-mails on your phone, no matter how fast a typer you are or how quickly you want to browse your e-mails. If you MUST send/check a text message or e-mail, excuse yourself first, and then do it. You can't share attention even though you might think it's possible. No, it's rude and shows disrespect.

Avoid at all costs talking to others next to/around you while talking on the phone. I don't care if it's a pet, a baby, another friend, your spouse or someone on Skype. If we are speaking on the phone, I'm doing so for a reason, and I'll expect you to speak with me, and not share the time with others next to you while "I'm patiently waiting" and wondering why you are interrupting our conversation. Again, if you must talk to someone, a pet, a child, anybody else while talking on the phone, EXCUSE yourself 1st. It's about good manners and consideration.

Online bullying is a waste of time. If you have a problem with someone, please address it in person and put an end to the "drama". Why would you waste your time and your energy in being negative and achieving nothing, really? If you are the bullied one, move on by ignoring the comments. Bullying should only affect you if you actually believe some of it that is being said is actually true. For example, if someone tells me "I think your freckles are ugly!", it wouldn't affect me at all, because I know it's not true: I don't even have freckles!! ....just a note, I think freckles are actually a super nice touch!

Fast casual restaurants (Panera, Crispers, a mall's food court...) or fast-food restaurants require you to participate in the service encounter. You are to clean up after yourself, no matter what. Don't make a fool of yourself by leaving your table dirty and not pushing your chairs back in/under the table (if they move). If you spill something, wipe it or ask for help. You are a co-producer of the service encounter. Act smart!

Never pick your teeth/clean your teeth at the table. Reserve this personal moment for the restroom, please, even if you are dining alone. Also, don't use your tongue to "clean up" in there. If something is bothering you, excuse yourself and visit the restroom. Don't take too long, as you should always avoid leaving the table while dining with others.

When your guests misbehave

First of all, I must say:
It is not your fault if your own guests misbehave at a restaurant. Unfortunately, we cannot be responsible for adults' actions.

Here is the setting:
The host invited a group of about 10 to have dinner at a friend's restaurant. She planned it with care and made sure all guests' needs could be met during dinner. One of the guests decided to invite 2 friends to attend as well. The hostess welcomed the additional guests, 2 ladies.
The restaurant: a Colombian owned restaurant, specializing in South-American cuisine, featuring Colombian music, decor and on that specific evening, also a late Karaoke entertainment event.
The guests: Some were of Hispanic descent and some were not. The 2 additional guests spoke English and no Spanish, and were not familiar with Colombian cuisine, atmosphere and the "Latin touch".

What happened:
Upon arrival (a rather late arrival), the 2 ladies approach the table, greet everybody, and start giggling and whispering to one another. After taking their seats, they decide to use the table's paper napkins to write notes and pass it around the table to some people (No, the ladies were not young teenagers. They could have been teenagers' mothers maybe). The hostess spots the behavior and actually gets to read one of the notes. It said: "WTF, all Spanish here?!"

The response:
The hostess felt embarrassed and very uncomfortable. The table was displaying a large amount of handwritten notes on paper napkins, and even the owner, once approaching the table to greet the guests, noticed the pile of written communication laying around.
The hostess made sure the 2 ladies had a menu with English translation and asked if they needed any suggestions. She tried accommodating their needs but their behavior was getting her really, really upset and embarrassed. She even apologized to her friend, the restaurant's owner.

My response:
A few days later, after hearing about the incident, I felt bad. It is so sad that adults can behave in such manner. I immediately told her "It is not your fault!. You can only feel sorry for them, as the event has passed and they ended up leaving a very bad impression on you, on the restaurant staff and other guests at the table."
What would you do in such a situation?
I would keep in mind they are my guests, but I would also keep in mind they are probably embarrassing themselves and others. The most appropriate response to this situation would be to address them, engage them in conversation, ASK them questions and offer help. Deviating their attention from their own actions could change their focus. If they see you reading one of the notes, you can diplomatically make a comment like "Oh, this must be your first time here! We admire the quality of service and of the food they serve. It's a great way to learn more about the Colombian culture. They are wonderful people!" Smile when you say that, be sincere, not snippy, and look them in the eyes. Your goal is to appease the situation, and not make it worse for anybody. You are the hostess, and as a hostess, sometimes, we have to deal with guests who misbehave. Unfortunately.

No matter what, always be a class-act!

Ok, but don't forget to recognize what's GOOD as well!

So far, according to the poll, it seems most people voice their bad service experience directly to management, and/or write a nasty letter (can I assume it would be a nasty letter?) to the owners or corporate office.

Most of us are not looking for monetary compensation, like getting our money back or receiving a free meal on the next visit, but so many times we get something out of it anyways without even asking for it. Our intent, often, is just for someone to listen to what we have to say and rectify the situation, hopefully not letting it happen again!

My husband and I received full compensation for our whole, entire meal (from Appetizer to Dessert and coffee) many, many years ago at McCormick & Schmick's. We received a free sushi roll from our neighborhood Chinese/Japanese Restaurant while ordering for home delivery after our last home delivery had arrived with fewer items than what we had ordered. We also received a "15% off on every visit" from a Barbecue Restaurant, however, have ever since experienced continuous unsatisfactory service that we now simply don't go there anymore that often (even though we have the discount card!).

Now, you might think "these guys eat out a lot, my goodness!" or "they must be heavy complainers!". A little bit of both is true. But our focus is actually on something else:

My husband and I always, and I repeat, always point out good service to our server and to management. We make it a point to express how excellent service was and why it was so good. Both of us, having worked in the hospitality industry, know how important it is for employees and management to recognize top service and success. We believe in how powerful this is.

We believe that while complaining about what's wrong will (hopefully) trigger some changes for the best, pointing out what's RIGHT has an amazing impact on employee morale and on how WE feel. Our contribution of verbally expressing our gratitude for good service goes a long way.

How about shifting our thoughts now to observing and recognizing good service? Maybe we can also turn the nasty letters into amazing compliment letters. To receive a verbal or written compliment from a guest/client, is one of the strongest motivators one can experience at work, positively affecting one's attitude towards people and one's job.

I will write more and more about service, service etiquette and handling service issues, however, this post was intended to remind us all that it IS important to recognize good service. It IS important to let servers and managers know how great service was. Believe wen I say that it DOES make a difference!

NO random Restaurant Talk!..

One of my areas of concentration lies in customer service training. This comprises less of the technical training to do a job as a server, bartender, as a front-desk agent, PBX (phones) agent, concierge, sales person or as a reservations agent, and more of the people skills, communication skills, polished good manners and follow-up skills. These "soft skills" complement the technical training given by supervisors, managers or corporate trainers. I come in to polish it up a bit.

Given the nature of one of my concentrations, I always find myself meticulously observing, silent-commenting and judging service. I mostly do so at hotels and restaurants, because of my previous work experience and industry knowledge and passion for hospitality.

I stopped expecting excellent service (so sad, I know), because that would put me on the streets as a trainer and consultant. No, honestly, I haven't experienced flawless service in a casual dining establishment in a long, long time.

I expect A+ service in fine dining establishments, no questions asked. A few years ago, my husband and I celebrated our Anniversary at Manuel's on the 28th on Downtown's Orange Avenue. The contemporary cuisine was absolutely, flawlessly served by our very knowledgeable, very well trained server. The whole team was in sync with their guests, amazingly anticipating our needs over and over again, only stopping by our table when necessary, knowing how to pause, not interrupting our table conversation. Well, a few years later, I must say I just remembered, my husband and I dined at Antonio's on Sand Lake Road by Dr. Philip's (also Orlando). Service was a delight. Although I would not consider it a fine dining establishment, white linen cloths, serving from the left, waiting until both of us were done to clear our plates from the right, and using a bread crumber before serving our dessert was mirroring the service we received this past Valentine's Day at The Vineyard Grill at the Ritz Carlton Grande Lakes.

Sadly, as I was saying, I don't recall the last time I received excellent service in a casual dining establishment. There is always something to mess it up, I must say.
The other day, my parents and I were about to order lunch in one of Downtown's newest restaurants (very nice place, discriminating decor, interesting, tasty menu items). When asked how the chicken was, the waiter's facial expression (and I am not joking!), was a mix of skepticism with a slight disgust. To finalize his answer he said: "It takes so long to cook, and then when you get it...you're just better off having much better chicken at KFC or so!". Enough said.
At a nice Steakhouse known for having some of the best steaks in the State, while clearing up the dishes from the table, piling them up as much as possible on one of those oval trays, my stepdaughter was nicely splashed with meat sauce. It didn't burn her, but soiled her shirt and pants. A not empathetic "sorry" was delivered so low you could hardly hear it. One might say it was just an accident. perhaps. But accidents can be prevented, and the way he was clearing up the table was not indicative of any preventive measures.
One of my all-time favorites is a very friendly, yet clueless waitress letting us know that "the bread we have now is so hard, that I'll have to put some fresh dough in the oven for you!" Thank you for sharing. We don't want to, we don't need to know about these situations in the back of the house.

A guy I worked with a few years ago, when answering a very upset guest's question why the elevator was still out of order, sarcastically responded "Sir, we also have stairs!"...The guest was staying on the 17th floor...(now, that was at a hotel, not at a restaurant, but you know what I'm talking about. Service is service)

In my opinion, service has become way too casual. The fine, little respectful attitudes are somehow lost in time. We are so often rushed through lunch/dinner, many waiters making a complete wrong assumption that we're in a hurry just because it's lunch time. We are judged by our waitstaff the minute we sit down, I get that, ok, and sometimes you see the pathetic transition of horrible service to nicer and careful service once you tell them you are taking a NY Strip home to your husband and 2 desserts will be to-go as well. Now, I must say, diners (people!) have also been slacking in their manners. Uff, that will be a whole other post, but if you're trying to serve someone who's constantly on the cellphone, loud and obnoxious, disturbing other guests and barely paying attention to you, server, I understand that frustration very well also.

There are two sides to everything, right?
(The restaurants mentioned above are linked to their web sites!)

"Hear it and live it" in order to judge it!

My husband, always having others' needs and likes in mind, was kind enough to record a short news piece on Nightline for me. The feature was on Dunkin' Donuts boom versus Starbucks' "stagnation", so to say.

I've always admired Starbucks' as a company. I particularly like the fact that, while being in the coffee business, they are actually selling something quite less tangible: the "have coffee in a living-room experience", which happens to be accompanied by lattes and frapuccinos. I first entered a Starbucks in 1999, and immediately was sold on the concept and the coffee. Years went by and I still remember how a friend of mine and I developed a market analysis to take Starbucks abroad to Montevideo, Uruguay. The project was for college, and we excelled in it. It was a fun project. I was thrilled when my sister proudly announced "Starbucks arrived in Brazil!!!" (last year!), and during my time at the Marriott, there was hardly a day on which I did not get something from our Starbucks lobby cafe. (sigh!...)

It took me by surprise that Dunkin' Donuts opened 800 stores last year and is expecting growth of 5% this year. Starbucks does not seem to be experiencing the same boom. In fact, many stores are closing and baristas are losing their jobs. Given the current economic and financial situation, this taught me a good lesson in customer loyalty and effective marketing. You see, I took the time to visit a Dunkin' Donuts store today, and was pleasently surprised by the variety of drinks, food (including healthy options!), good customer service and employee knowledge. It was great to see an "anytime breakfast" menu and impressive to learn the store is open 24/7! I sat there for a moment and analyzed the environment: the dining room does not compare to Starbucks. The ambience is totally different. The product is different. I briefly thought that Nighltine was a bit off when comparing Starbucks and Dunkin' Donuts, simply focusing on the fact that both serve coffee products. But that's the only thing they have in common.

The product they are marketing is different. It is two different things, like apples and oranges. Both are good. But not comparable, really. I believe it's actually not fair to compare both. I am happy to have taken the time to watch it on TiVo, and to have gone to Dunkin' Donuts today. I will be back. I was pleased with everything. I will not leave Starbucks behind, though. I go to Starbucks to experience the atmosphere, the "we share something unique" type of community feeling when you spend some time in there, and the coffee drinks.

The fact that Dunkin' Donuts is experiencing success is because they are marketing correctly. Starbucks' "we sell you an experience" might not be enough in these times, and its momentum has been lost a little. Dunkin' has competitive prices, fast service, appealing marketing campaigns and strong celebrity endorsements. It has created a menu that satifies our hunger and that works well for various age groups, tastes and needs. Loyal tenants don't give it up for anything, and newcomers like what they see. It is accessible, efficient and basic.

Simply put, it efficiently fits the time and circumstance we are living in today.

This was my "hear it and live it experience" of the day. I'm looking forward to reading/hearing your comments!

IFFY Situations - Part I

I received a comment/question about how to best handle spills when you are eating out. The question was specifically directed to eating suhi or sashimi, and the situation was described as follows:
You are having lunch or dinner with colleagues and maybe with your boss as well. You are using your japanese chopsticks, and when you are ready to eat your sashimi bite, it slips from the chopsticks, lands into your small dish of soy sauce and creates a splashing sensation where soy sauce is everywhere to find except inside the small sauce dish. Your clothes are stained, and hopefully your white blouse is the only one affected. This was the scenario given in the post.

So, what do you do?

There are a few important things to KNOW, no matter how bad the situation seems to be:

• While you are now the center of all attention, you don't want to further nurture this.
• This means, take care of the situation fast and be calm about it at all times.
• While you are uncomfortable, others may be too. You don't want to spread it further either. So, don't excuse yourself 10 times or tell the story over and over again once you're back at the office.
• Try to involve the least amount of people possible. You and the waiter will suffice.
• It is NOT the end of the world. It can happen to anyone. Calm down. You will survive.

You may want to use your napkin to help clean as much as possible, at the same time, signaling to the waiter to come. Ask the waiter for a new napkin, and expect the waiter to clean up your area (wipe it, replace plates, bowls etc). There is no need to announce "Oh, my goodness, I'm so clumsy! I'm sorry, everybody! Oh, my! Did I get it on you too? This is horrible!!". There is no need to say any of that. Excuse yourself from the table once and clean up a bit more in the restroom (make it quick). Come back to your clean seat, put on your jacket if you have one (by the way, your jacket should be on regardless), and continue with lunch/dinner as if nothing happened. There is no need to dwell on it and comment on what a horrific spilling you created. For the others accompanying you, nobody has to ask "Are you ok?" or "Did you get it all off?". The best way is to forget about it and keep on with lunch/dinner.

For the future, analyze the situation before you are even part of it:

• Order "easy food" when eating out with colleagues and managers, especially if you are not 100% familiar with the food and/or utensils.
• Dress for the occasion so that you are prepared. Avoid wearing light colors that can easily show stains or dirt.
• If you have a history of "spilling", be prepared and, yes, have a perfectly ironed shirt/blouse or another jacket at work or in your car.
• If it happens to a colleague, don't comment on it or ask questions like "Can I help?" and "Oh, here, take my napkin too!" (big no-no!). The person wants everybody to forget about it as soon as possible!

Bon apetit!

The art of Eating-on-the-Go

Honestly, eating-on-the-go is not my preferred choice of dining.
First, let's get acquainted with three eating-on-the-go scenarios:

• You are driving, and in your cup holder you have your soda. With one hand you stir and drive, while the other hand holds your sandwich. The fries are nestled between your legs - Easy access.
• You are sitting at your desk (work!), and don't have time to take a lunch break. So, you strategically place your drink and plate/brown bag/Tupperware on your desk, so that you can work and eat without losing one second! - Efficiency
• You skipped breakfast and lunch because you weren't able to squeeze in any time for that, however, (thank goodness!) you have a cocktail party to go to tonight, and while you mingle and meet new people, you make sure to try all possible hors d'oeuvres, not forgetting the free drinks! - Excellent!

Why are these not my preferred ways of enjoying a meal? The simplest reason of all is: It's hard to ENJOY a meal this way. I love food, and I want to make time to enjoy the dining experience, whether at home, at work, or at a party.

The answer given by most people "I don't have time" reflects not the lack of time, but rather the choice made when allocating time and setting priorities. So, it's not really about not having time, but choosing to do something else instead with that time available.

The 1st scenario is a disaster waiting to happen! You may spill your drink on your clothes, your hands may slip and you may cause an accident. Instead of saving time, you can end up losing much more. Your food may fall on the ground and I just hope your phone doesn't ring! Your car will smell like food, and guess what?...so will you! Your rushed eating is not healthy nor safe or elegant.

The 2nd scenario sends mixed messages about your professionalism: Your efficiency at work should be reflected in your time management skills as well. You should have time to take a break and have lunch. If you are the boss, consider your subordinates' opinions on you eating at your desk. the bottom line is: If you consider yourself efficient, there should be time for a lunch break.

The 3rd scenario will not benefit your mingling abilities. You will have sticky fingers and too much to carry around while meeting and talking to people. Not to mention the possibility of food getting stuck in your teeth without you being aware of it. My suggestion is to reconsider it.

One of my future posts will be on restaurants rushing us to finish our meals and to get us out of there. Sounds crazy, but I'm sure most of us have experienced that before!

Napkin Etiquette

Napkins belong on your lap. They do not belong tucked into your shirt (never, ever!), no matter how much you want to protect it from spills (simply order something that is easy to eat). Napkins do not belong tucked into your pants or skirt either. They don't need to be secured like that.

You may place your napkin on your lap as soon as you sit down at the table. If you are attending a business lunch, look for hints given out by the "leader" (the host of the lunch, or the client, or your manager), and you may follow his/her actions. However, it is expected that a napkin is already on your lap before bread, or the first course is served.

What do you do if you need to briefly leave the table? Where will you place your napkin? I want to hear it from you. Plase take the poll on the right, and let's see what you believe is appropriate!

When you are hosting a dinner party:
Beware of creating fancy napkin folds. At least make sure your hands are very clean, because fancy napkin folds require you to touch the napkins many, many times, and keep in mind that someone else will be using that napkin later on. Sometimes, the simple fold is just the best.

Instead of using all of your napkin, try to keep it clean and use an area around the same spot. This will increase your chances of you staying clean as well.

Don't wipe your face with your napkin, but lightly press it around your mouth area to dab what needs to be dabbed. Your napkin may hold some unwanted piece of food, but remember to be very discreet when placing it inside the napkin!

Avoid placing your used napkin on your dirty plate. There is no need for that. Additionally, it does not leave a good impression on other diners who are with you.

There is much more to napkin etiquette, but I hope you enjoy the brief "tutorial"! Now, have you participate in the poll already?