Table Etiquette: Seating your guests

The Holiday season is almost here, and while it is not here yet, you are probably planning and running through your mind what you will be doing this year.
Are you hosting a festive dinner this year? Are you attending one?
In the U.S.A., we celebrate Thanksgiving on the last Thursday of November. A very traditional holiday, Thanksgiving tends to bring family and even close friends together. Homes are filled with delicious home-cooking smells from the kitchen, where turkey, pumpkin pie, stuffing, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes etc are enthusiastically prepared for Thanksgiving Dinner.
(In my family, we add to this white rice, black beans, yucca and sweet plantains, but that is a whole different story. Needless to say, we barely have any space on the the table for all the delicious food: a Cuban-Brazilian influenced Thanksgiving! Very yummy, indeed!)

Let's say you are hosting a Holiday Dinner this year. You already know who is attending, and you have a nice mix of friends, family and different age groups. You have a total of 12 people, including yourself.

Decorate your table as you wish, prepare all the delicious food you decided for your menu, and think of how your guests will be seated.
Here is an important reason for that:

The flow of conversation needs to be kept up in order to allow for a pleasant, unforgettable and entertaining dinner.

You want to seat your guests strategically. In this case, let's say you are hosting a rather casual dinner, you don't need to have a "guest of honour" in mind. If you do, though, the "guest of honour" will be seated to your right. The person 2nd in rank, let's say the "guest of honour's" spouse, will be seated to your left.

That's right. There is NO need to seat married couples side by side. In fact, it is desirable NOT to seat them side by side. One reason being, it is assumed that married couples engage in daily conversations anyway, so that it is much more strategic to seat people, who don't have this chance, side by side and across from each other.

Engaged couples, however, protocol dictates, should be seated side by side.

Think of the strong communicators of the group and spread them out. Don't have your quiet guests grouped on one side of the table and your chit-chatters all together on the other one.

You may choose if you, as the host, want to sit at one of the table's ends or right in the middle. Once you pick your spot, prior to dinner (name cards are a nice touch and guide your guests to their seats, easily! I strongly encourage their use!), take some time to think where your guests will sit.

• Split up married couples
• Follow the lady-gentleman-lady order, allowing for different genders to interact
• Split up the talkers and the listeners to allow for better communication flow
• Keep engaged couples sitting side by side

Etiquette, in my opinion, should not be regarded as a set "book of rules". You need to adapt. Here's when you adapt to situations by adapting the rules:

• Keep in mind guests who may not be proficient in the main language spoken that evening
• Keep in mind guests who "need" to sit together like a child and its mother, an older couple or someone who needs assistance while dining
• Keep in mind a very special request from your guest: "Can I please sit next to her?"

Designing a seating chart may take time and may sometimes be looked at as almost a science! Think of all the variables you need to consider, correct?

But keep in mind always, you want to allow your guests to feel comfortable, engaged in nice conversation, happy and glad they attended your event. Make it memorable for them.

In a next post, I will comment on choosing the right people for the right event. Not always do we have the chance to choose just certain people who will really "add to the mix". Sometimes, we can't. However, sometimes we can. We'll talk about this next time.

Do YOU do THIS? Please, don't!

A short post to remind you NOT to do these following things, EVER:

While talking to someone, DON'T text message or check e-mails on your phone, no matter how fast a typer you are or how quickly you want to browse your e-mails. If you MUST send/check a text message or e-mail, excuse yourself first, and then do it. You can't share attention even though you might think it's possible. No, it's rude and shows disrespect.

Avoid at all costs talking to others next to/around you while talking on the phone. I don't care if it's a pet, a baby, another friend, your spouse or someone on Skype. If we are speaking on the phone, I'm doing so for a reason, and I'll expect you to speak with me, and not share the time with others next to you while "I'm patiently waiting" and wondering why you are interrupting our conversation. Again, if you must talk to someone, a pet, a child, anybody else while talking on the phone, EXCUSE yourself 1st. It's about good manners and consideration.

Online bullying is a waste of time. If you have a problem with someone, please address it in person and put an end to the "drama". Why would you waste your time and your energy in being negative and achieving nothing, really? If you are the bullied one, move on by ignoring the comments. Bullying should only affect you if you actually believe some of it that is being said is actually true. For example, if someone tells me "I think your freckles are ugly!", it wouldn't affect me at all, because I know it's not true: I don't even have freckles!! ....just a note, I think freckles are actually a super nice touch!

Fast casual restaurants (Panera, Crispers, a mall's food court...) or fast-food restaurants require you to participate in the service encounter. You are to clean up after yourself, no matter what. Don't make a fool of yourself by leaving your table dirty and not pushing your chairs back in/under the table (if they move). If you spill something, wipe it or ask for help. You are a co-producer of the service encounter. Act smart!

Never pick your teeth/clean your teeth at the table. Reserve this personal moment for the restroom, please, even if you are dining alone. Also, don't use your tongue to "clean up" in there. If something is bothering you, excuse yourself and visit the restroom. Don't take too long, as you should always avoid leaving the table while dining with others.

When your guests misbehave

First of all, I must say:
It is not your fault if your own guests misbehave at a restaurant. Unfortunately, we cannot be responsible for adults' actions.

Here is the setting:
The host invited a group of about 10 to have dinner at a friend's restaurant. She planned it with care and made sure all guests' needs could be met during dinner. One of the guests decided to invite 2 friends to attend as well. The hostess welcomed the additional guests, 2 ladies.
The restaurant: a Colombian owned restaurant, specializing in South-American cuisine, featuring Colombian music, decor and on that specific evening, also a late Karaoke entertainment event.
The guests: Some were of Hispanic descent and some were not. The 2 additional guests spoke English and no Spanish, and were not familiar with Colombian cuisine, atmosphere and the "Latin touch".

What happened:
Upon arrival (a rather late arrival), the 2 ladies approach the table, greet everybody, and start giggling and whispering to one another. After taking their seats, they decide to use the table's paper napkins to write notes and pass it around the table to some people (No, the ladies were not young teenagers. They could have been teenagers' mothers maybe). The hostess spots the behavior and actually gets to read one of the notes. It said: "WTF, all Spanish here?!"

The response:
The hostess felt embarrassed and very uncomfortable. The table was displaying a large amount of handwritten notes on paper napkins, and even the owner, once approaching the table to greet the guests, noticed the pile of written communication laying around.
The hostess made sure the 2 ladies had a menu with English translation and asked if they needed any suggestions. She tried accommodating their needs but their behavior was getting her really, really upset and embarrassed. She even apologized to her friend, the restaurant's owner.

My response:
A few days later, after hearing about the incident, I felt bad. It is so sad that adults can behave in such manner. I immediately told her "It is not your fault!. You can only feel sorry for them, as the event has passed and they ended up leaving a very bad impression on you, on the restaurant staff and other guests at the table."
What would you do in such a situation?
I would keep in mind they are my guests, but I would also keep in mind they are probably embarrassing themselves and others. The most appropriate response to this situation would be to address them, engage them in conversation, ASK them questions and offer help. Deviating their attention from their own actions could change their focus. If they see you reading one of the notes, you can diplomatically make a comment like "Oh, this must be your first time here! We admire the quality of service and of the food they serve. It's a great way to learn more about the Colombian culture. They are wonderful people!" Smile when you say that, be sincere, not snippy, and look them in the eyes. Your goal is to appease the situation, and not make it worse for anybody. You are the hostess, and as a hostess, sometimes, we have to deal with guests who misbehave. Unfortunately.

No matter what, always be a class-act!

Ok, but don't forget to recognize what's GOOD as well!

So far, according to the poll, it seems most people voice their bad service experience directly to management, and/or write a nasty letter (can I assume it would be a nasty letter?) to the owners or corporate office.

Most of us are not looking for monetary compensation, like getting our money back or receiving a free meal on the next visit, but so many times we get something out of it anyways without even asking for it. Our intent, often, is just for someone to listen to what we have to say and rectify the situation, hopefully not letting it happen again!

My husband and I received full compensation for our whole, entire meal (from Appetizer to Dessert and coffee) many, many years ago at McCormick & Schmick's. We received a free sushi roll from our neighborhood Chinese/Japanese Restaurant while ordering for home delivery after our last home delivery had arrived with fewer items than what we had ordered. We also received a "15% off on every visit" from a Barbecue Restaurant, however, have ever since experienced continuous unsatisfactory service that we now simply don't go there anymore that often (even though we have the discount card!).

Now, you might think "these guys eat out a lot, my goodness!" or "they must be heavy complainers!". A little bit of both is true. But our focus is actually on something else:

My husband and I always, and I repeat, always point out good service to our server and to management. We make it a point to express how excellent service was and why it was so good. Both of us, having worked in the hospitality industry, know how important it is for employees and management to recognize top service and success. We believe in how powerful this is.

We believe that while complaining about what's wrong will (hopefully) trigger some changes for the best, pointing out what's RIGHT has an amazing impact on employee morale and on how WE feel. Our contribution of verbally expressing our gratitude for good service goes a long way.

How about shifting our thoughts now to observing and recognizing good service? Maybe we can also turn the nasty letters into amazing compliment letters. To receive a verbal or written compliment from a guest/client, is one of the strongest motivators one can experience at work, positively affecting one's attitude towards people and one's job.

I will write more and more about service, service etiquette and handling service issues, however, this post was intended to remind us all that it IS important to recognize good service. It IS important to let servers and managers know how great service was. Believe wen I say that it DOES make a difference!

NO random Restaurant Talk!..

One of my areas of concentration lies in customer service training. This comprises less of the technical training to do a job as a server, bartender, as a front-desk agent, PBX (phones) agent, concierge, sales person or as a reservations agent, and more of the people skills, communication skills, polished good manners and follow-up skills. These "soft skills" complement the technical training given by supervisors, managers or corporate trainers. I come in to polish it up a bit.

Given the nature of one of my concentrations, I always find myself meticulously observing, silent-commenting and judging service. I mostly do so at hotels and restaurants, because of my previous work experience and industry knowledge and passion for hospitality.

I stopped expecting excellent service (so sad, I know), because that would put me on the streets as a trainer and consultant. No, honestly, I haven't experienced flawless service in a casual dining establishment in a long, long time.

I expect A+ service in fine dining establishments, no questions asked. A few years ago, my husband and I celebrated our Anniversary at Manuel's on the 28th on Downtown's Orange Avenue. The contemporary cuisine was absolutely, flawlessly served by our very knowledgeable, very well trained server. The whole team was in sync with their guests, amazingly anticipating our needs over and over again, only stopping by our table when necessary, knowing how to pause, not interrupting our table conversation. Well, a few years later, I must say I just remembered, my husband and I dined at Antonio's on Sand Lake Road by Dr. Philip's (also Orlando). Service was a delight. Although I would not consider it a fine dining establishment, white linen cloths, serving from the left, waiting until both of us were done to clear our plates from the right, and using a bread crumber before serving our dessert was mirroring the service we received this past Valentine's Day at The Vineyard Grill at the Ritz Carlton Grande Lakes.

Sadly, as I was saying, I don't recall the last time I received excellent service in a casual dining establishment. There is always something to mess it up, I must say.
The other day, my parents and I were about to order lunch in one of Downtown's newest restaurants (very nice place, discriminating decor, interesting, tasty menu items). When asked how the chicken was, the waiter's facial expression (and I am not joking!), was a mix of skepticism with a slight disgust. To finalize his answer he said: "It takes so long to cook, and then when you get it...you're just better off having much better chicken at KFC or so!". Enough said.
At a nice Steakhouse known for having some of the best steaks in the State, while clearing up the dishes from the table, piling them up as much as possible on one of those oval trays, my stepdaughter was nicely splashed with meat sauce. It didn't burn her, but soiled her shirt and pants. A not empathetic "sorry" was delivered so low you could hardly hear it. One might say it was just an accident. perhaps. But accidents can be prevented, and the way he was clearing up the table was not indicative of any preventive measures.
One of my all-time favorites is a very friendly, yet clueless waitress letting us know that "the bread we have now is so hard, that I'll have to put some fresh dough in the oven for you!" Thank you for sharing. We don't want to, we don't need to know about these situations in the back of the house.

A guy I worked with a few years ago, when answering a very upset guest's question why the elevator was still out of order, sarcastically responded "Sir, we also have stairs!"...The guest was staying on the 17th floor...(now, that was at a hotel, not at a restaurant, but you know what I'm talking about. Service is service)

In my opinion, service has become way too casual. The fine, little respectful attitudes are somehow lost in time. We are so often rushed through lunch/dinner, many waiters making a complete wrong assumption that we're in a hurry just because it's lunch time. We are judged by our waitstaff the minute we sit down, I get that, ok, and sometimes you see the pathetic transition of horrible service to nicer and careful service once you tell them you are taking a NY Strip home to your husband and 2 desserts will be to-go as well. Now, I must say, diners (people!) have also been slacking in their manners. Uff, that will be a whole other post, but if you're trying to serve someone who's constantly on the cellphone, loud and obnoxious, disturbing other guests and barely paying attention to you, server, I understand that frustration very well also.

There are two sides to everything, right?
(The restaurants mentioned above are linked to their web sites!)